So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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