I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
