my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
