Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
