It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
