all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
should my penis look like a turkey
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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