I think I died a long time ago.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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