I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
