Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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