it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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