I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
