fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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