i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
