I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize