The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Who died my cat blue again?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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