and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
