I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
