The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
