just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
