I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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