so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
