Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
