It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
