A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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