Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
