Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
