Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Boobs speak an international language.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
