dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
