YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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