you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
