went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
