The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
