i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
