Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
