I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
