I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
