Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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