he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
