Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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