Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I fill condoms, not promises.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
