he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
