I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found puke in my bra..
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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