i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
