Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
