I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
