I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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