Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
handjob tips. give me some.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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