I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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