I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
