if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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